Duchifest Yes! Cassifest No!

The Duchess of Crestignac unveils her new doctrine of civic mobilisation

CRESTIGNAC — Faced with a growing number of demonstrations, counter-demonstrations and other gatherings whose organisers are no longer entirely sure whether they support or oppose what they are protesting against, the Duchess of Crestignac has decided to clarify matters.

From now on, in Crestignac, citizens no longer demonstrate. They duchifest.

“It was high time we distinguished between citizens wishing to express their discontent and those wishing to express their discontent by smashing something,” declared the Duchess before an assembly of journalists carefully selected for their ability not to ask questions.

A fundamental freedom, properly exercised

Duchifestation represents a new form of civic expression, founded on a simple principle: every Crestignacian enjoys the inalienable right to express disagreement, including when they agree.

However, all destruction of property is strictly prohibited.

“A citizen may be angry without necessarily becoming the owner of the paving stones they tear up,” the Duchess explained.

The government points out that shop windows, bus shelters, rubbish bins and other public facilities have, to date, submitted no demands that would justify their participation in social movements.

The right to march without having to arrive

A duchifestation requires neither an officially declared route nor a specific destination.

Participants may assemble, march, stop, resume marching or return home, without any of these decisions being interpreted as an abandonment of their demands.

A stationary duchifestation remains a duchifestation in its own right.

The Ministry of Labour has nevertheless advised participants not to confuse this provision with working remotely from the office, a practice already widespread throughout the country.

A commission to regulate discontent

To ensure the proper conduct of duchifestations, a Supreme Commission for Non-Destructive Protest will be established.

Its responsibilities will include determining whether a citizen can be considered dissatisfied when displaying no outward signs of dissatisfaction.

An initial report is expected as soon as the commission has found a reason to meet.

The government is also considering the creation of a National Observatory of Unbroken Objects, whose findings should make it possible to measure precisely the extent of the damage successfully avoided.

The first national duchifestation announced

The Duchess has confirmed that a major national duchifestation will soon take place in the streets of Crestignac.

Participants are invited to bring their warthogs, which will be entitled to express their demands under the same conditions as their owners.

No common demands will be required.

“What matters is not that we all agree on what we want. What matters is that we all agree not to break anything.”

Asked about the political consequences of this new doctrine, the Duchess concluded:

“Duchifest yes! Cassifest no!”

Before adding:

“And if you disagree, duchifest.”

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The situation has not evolved. This is proof that we have it under control.

The Duchess's Magazine — Crestignac